1. What is your child’s favourite color?
2. What is their favourite subject in school?
3. What was your child’s favourite vacation experience so far?
4. If your child could travel anywhere in the world, where would they choose?
5. What would your child say is the nicest thing you could do for them?
6. What talents/gifts/abilities does your child have?
7. What is your child’s favourite song?
8. What is your child’s favourite activity/pass time?
9. What does your child feel they would like to do after they graduate?
10. Who is your child’s best friend?
11. What would your child love to talk to you about but is scared to bring up?
12. What is one of their greatest fears?
Enjoy your journey into parent coaching.
Until next time,
Your friend and Pro-Active Parent Coach
Greg
A foundational value in Pro-Active Parent Coaching is keeping responsibility with our child and refusing to take it from them by offering advice, opinion or simply telling your child what to do in any given situation. The key is encouraging them to thoughtfully engage and think through everyday experiences to draw greater learning from them. Practicing this it assists our children in putting their full capacities to use, grow in their ability to make decisions, problem solve and take responsibility. When we engage our children in this way, we may discover two things, A. Our child is more capable of coming up with creative solutions than we originally thought. B. This experience has been a relationally enriching connection for both us and our child.
Simply asking open questions and listening intently to their answers may feel awkward and counter intuitive as we begin, shouldn’t I be telling them something? at first because we have often viewed our role as problem solver and information dispenser. our role is to solve our children’s problems and dispense information to them. Try to resist the temptation to offer advice or solutions to your child by yielding to the notion that you are not accomplishing much with this ‘passive activity.’ Rather, understand when we offer advice, opinion, and/or solutions to our children, they are passive during that time and greater more impactful learning will take place as we engage their heart, thoughts and assist them in making learning a part of everyday life.
The following are some sample questions to get you started as you begin engaging your child in learning from everyday experiences. (please feel free to change and/or add questions that fit your life and situations)
Engaging situations your children have observed or experienced.
Put yourself in their shoes, if that had been you, what do you think you’d do?
How else could a person handle this?
If you faced the same situation again, what would you do?
If we could ‘start all over’, what would you do?
If you had it to do over again, what would you do?
If you had it to do over again, what would you do differently?
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
When they are considering a course of action:
What are the possibilities?
If you had your choice, what would you do?
What are some possible solutions?
What will happen if you do and what will happen if you don’t?
What options can you think of?
Is there anything else?
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
Thinking toward the future of their decisions:
As you move forward with that decision, what are some possible outcomes?
How do suppose all of that will work out?
What will that get you?
Where could this lead?
______________________________________________
______________________________________________
Enjoy your journey into parent coaching.
Until next time,
Your friend and Pro-Active Parent Coach
Greg
Consistency gives our children something to ‘count on’ and ‘look forward to,’ as they anticipate time with you. Just the other day Hannah asked me, “Daddy, Friday is only four days away, what would you like to do on our date this week?”
Consistency serves us with time intentionally devoted to developing and maintaining health within our relationships.
Household dynamics vary broadly from family to family and need to be considered when establishing a consistent connection time with our individual families. There are a variety of demands upon our time which call for creativity and commitment when establishing a consistent time together. Work, school, homework, sports, music lessons, time, frequency (weekly, bi-weekly, monthly) duration and as your children mature it adds different elements into the mix. They key is to establish and implement an intentional plan that fits the uniqueness of family structure and a willingness to alter not abandon the plan as needed.
Accessibility: Can our children come to us at any time without fear of being turned away? Do they have permission to interrupt? One of the greatest times you can find a deeper heart connection with your child is when they approach you and ask to talk or play. I do understand that we have busy lives, and things to do, but how accessible are we to our children when they need us? Remember, someone is always willing to be there for them, who do you want that someone to be?
Maintaining a balance between accessibility and privacy can be tricky at the best of times. The following is a tool a friend used which I will share with you to use or adapt as necessary if it will serve you in any way.
This family came up with a solution by using a numbering system which was fully explained so their children understood and could being using it. As parents they desired to be ‘accessible’ to their children but at the same time wanted to teach their children the need to ‘respect’ other’s time and availability.
They established a numbering system in which their children would rate their need on a scale of 1-10.
1 low priority
5 I would like to talk but it can wait til later
10 It’s urgent I need you NOW.
If they were ‘busy’ their child would approach them and say, I’d like to talk it’s a ‘3.’ So the parent would then say, ok, when I finish up here in (x) minutes, I’ll call you. But the child always knew that if they had an issue that was a 10, mom or dad would drop everything and give them their undivided attention.
(if you experiment with this as a family, please let me know how it progresses for you and how your children respond.)
Relevancy: How does my child enjoy our dates and the times we set aside for spending time together? Are they appealing to our child? Is it something they enjoy and look forward to? Is it relevant to maturity and unique development patterns? Or are we tailoring our times together around what we personally enjoy and expect our children to share the same interests, likes and passions?
Relevancy speaks to tailoring our dates and times together around activities, places, and things that are ‘relevant’ to our children. Of course this requires that we gain an understanding of what they likes/dislike, their passions and uniqueness and a have a willingness to foster an environment they will enjoy and look forward to. By way of example, I personally enjoy fishing, and could be out on the lake in a boat for hours and personally find that ‘enjoyable,’ but, is this something my 4, 8, or 16 year old would enjoy and look forward to?
Relevancy is the willingness to set aside personal preferences and engage in conversations, tailor our dates and times together around those things that my child enjoys and can relate to. I want to avoid creating an environment that my child may find dreadful or feel they have to tolerate to please me or find my approval.
We can take learning to a slightly deeper level as well by teaching our children the principle of honoring one another’s uniqueness. To do this we have established an alternating pattern where we ‘take turns’ choosing the focus of our date time. This ensures two things. a, They get to do something they truly enjoy, and b, it helps them learn and appreciate what others may enjoy. Occasionally, as a gift to us, they have sacrificed their desires and chosen dates they know we enjoy.
Transparency: Transparency opens the door to honest and authentic communication which fosters depth within the relationship we share with our children. If we desire an open, transparent and authentic relationship with our child, then we must initiate this by being transparent ourselves. Secrecy gives birth to suspicion but transparency gives birth to trust. What is my willingness toward being open, honest and real with my children as we experience life together?
When we fully accept our own humanness by admitting our faults, mistakes, and shortcomings we foster an environment of trust, openness and relatability in which it is safe for our children to do the same.
As you put these principles of Consistency, Accessibility, Relevancy and Transparency into practice don’t be surprised if you discover that moments of deeper heart connection with your children become more frequent as they follow your lead and open their hearts to you.
All the best as you journey into parent coaching.
Until next time
Your friend and Pro-Active Parent Coach
Greg Bland
© Pro-Active Parent Coaching 2010
Anyone who enjoys more than one child within the household will appreciate the truth that each child has their own unique nature. It is amazing really, that among the various similarities our children will have with one another, there are also very distinct differences. They have different passions, desires, gifts and abilities, interests, skills, and the list goes on. Connecting with the hearts of our children involves an awareness of these differences and relating to them in a way that naturally connects with them emotionally, intellectually and physically. For instance, if my daughter doesn’t enjoy sports, it is unlikely we will connect well through a game of catch, but if she loves baseball that game of catch can become a very significant connecting time for us.
What do we know about our children?
Take some time and consider the following in relation to each of your children.
What temperament/personality has God given my child and how does this . . .
a. affect how they interact with others?
b. affect their learning styles?
c. affect how they interact within the family unit?
d. affect their friendships?
e. affect their schooling?
f. affect their social interactions?
What is my child passionate about?
(What do they talk about the most? What keeps coming to the surface of conversations? What pre-occupies their minds?)
What strengths and abilities does my child have?
(Take some time to intentionally recognize what strengths and abilities your child has and begin affirming them by releasing more responsibility to them in keeping with their strengths and abilities.)
What have I recognized God doing within their lives? What does He seem to be working on/developing within them as individuals? How can I practically encourage growth and maturity in these areas?
What are they struggling or wrestling with right now? What decisions or changes within their physical or emotional development are impacting them? What are their concerns? If I don’t know, how could I find out? What does my child need from me the most during the ‘struggle?’ This is a great opportunity to ask them how they would like your support through this time. Sometimes as parents we struggle to know what they need and how much to be involved, simply ask, they will let you know, and most likely appreciate the fact you are asking rather than, a. ignoring and seeming like your uninterested, or b. pushing through into areas they really don’t want you to. If they decline your assistance, honor their decision and affirm you’re care, concern and availability should they desire it in the future.
As you become aware of and understand the uniqueness of your child, it will provide great connection opportunities for you together, and you may just find that you capture their hearts through the process.
I’ve been asked when and how do I go about connecting with my children. Simply put, the best time and place to connect with our children is when they approach us and ask us to. “Hey Dad, do you want to come outside and play catch?” “Mom, can we chat for a minute?” Words that can seem like an intrusion into our lives can become a great relational catalyst if we respond with, “I’d love to, let me just finish what I am doing and I’ll be right there.”
These are prime moments in which genuine heart to heart connection can take place, our children are primed, ready, able and willing to spend time together.
Those opportunities do not fill every moment of every day but they may appear more than we may initially think. Can I challenge you to listen carefully to the words of your son or daughter and see if they are indeed inviting you into moments of connection with them throughout the day?
“You never trust me!”
“You never let me do anything!”
“You don’t understand me!”
“I wished I was never born!”
“I hate you!”
These are statements that send a chill up a parent’s spine as they contemplate even the possibility of hearing them. The good news is we don’t have to! The above statements are verbal cues given by teens when relationship has regressed to a critical point and a transitional shift in parenting styles is overdue.
There are typical and predictable warning signs that a shift in our parenting style needs to take place. If we desire to be pro-active in our parenting, we can begin utilizing the heart, skills and disciplines of parent coaching with our children while they are young, greatly assisting both our child and ourselves in navigating the psychological transition from dependence upon us as the parents to independence. (Much of our parent coaching model can be implemented pre-teen which will make the parental transition more natural and easier to navigate.)
Early signs that our children are growing in independence through pre-adolescence, are addressed in greater detail within the book “Pro-Active Parent Coaching: Capturing the Heart of Your Child”. In this article we will focus upon the latter, more serious indicators which tell us that a shift in our parenting style is essential if we are to maintain and/or recover a healthy relationship with our children.
Reminder: The growth our children are experiencing is naturally moving them from dependence upon us as parents toward independence. This is a normal and natural process for our children and can sometimes be misperceived as rebellion against our authority as parents.
Honest Questioning:
Failing to embrace and partner with our children’s natural growth pattern as they mature will result in an honest questioning of our parental style. These questions are prompted because of the mixed message they are receiving. These questions are birthed because of the mixed message they are receiving. Their natural growth pattern is communicating to them that they are maturing and growing in responsibility and ability to make decisions for themselves; but our parenting style is telling them that they are still children and need to be ‘told’ what to do.
Some of the familiar and predictable verbal cues we will being hearing come in the form of an honest questioning of our motives and thoughts. Some of these questions may include but are not limited to,
How come you don’t ask me what I think about _____________?
Why doesn’t my opinion matter?
Why don’t you trust me?
Why are you always telling me what to do?
How come I can’t make this decisions on my own?
Why do you always have to tell me what to do?
Why do you treat me like a little child?
Why don’t you ever listen to me?
Why can’t you just let me make decisions and live with the consequences?
If we recognize these or similar questions from our children, take them to heart, slow down, and honestly assess where our children are in their developmental process. Additionally, consider the possibility that if we do nothing at this point to recapture our child’s heart, our relationship will decline, and if neglected further the long term effects will be more difficult to recover from.
Assessing the Situation:
Take a moment and assess the situation. The words that we speak are a powerful indicator of what we truly believe within our hearts. Words reflect belief, attitudes, intentions, and are very revealing to those who pay attention. “Out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks.” (Luke 6:45) If our children are beginning to communicate in this way, it may indicate a belief system that is forming within in their heart in relation to us as parents. (Be conscious of this in the next stage.)
These verbal cues have the potential to serve as a warning sign for us as parents that a developmental change is already well underway.
Ask yourself:
What are my children thinking, feeling and perceiving? (to gain a true understanding of this, the best person to ask would be them)
What have I done that has motivated these questions?
How have I approached my child that has initiated this response to me?
Does my child truly understand my heart and reasons behind the decisions I make as a parent?
Where are my children in their developmental and growth process?
Is it possible that I have unintentially missed the early warning signs of change and need to re-evaluate and possibly change my approach to parenting?
If so, what do I need to do as a parent to reconnect with my child and bring mutual understanding between us?
How can I connect with them and understand what is in their heart as they ask these questions?
Awkward Silence:
Failing to connect healthily with our children in the previous, honest questioning stage, we may begin to experience an awkwardness within the home that is marked by an emotional disconnection, aloofness and growing silence. Despite the fact that we live under the same roof, we will feel like we do not ‘know’ one another. If this continues unchecked, children will distance themselves further from us and begin alienating themselves from us altogether.
Remember, our children are confused by the mixed message they are receiving. Their natural growth process is telling them they are growing in independence and decision making capabilities, and our actions as parents are telling them they are still little children needing to be told what to do.
The Parental Offensive Maneuver:
When home life has progressed to this stage, there is a common parental reaction. PUSH or engage them offensively so that we can get to the bottom of ‘their’ issue.
With this offensive maneuver we will experience just how deep the relational divide is through our children’s reaction to us. We may hear more accusatory statements, or they may simply opt for running away perceiving us as the aggressor.
(Notice the progression, starts out with honest questioning of the parents motives, when parents don’t respond in a healthy way, children naturally grow distant. When push comes to shove, children express themselves not with questions but statements based upon their understanding of the situation or simply remove themselves from the confrontation all together.)
Accusatory Statements:
Some of the statements commonly heard at this stage are:
“You never trust me!”
“You never let me do anything!”
“You don’t understand me!”
“You don’t care about me and what I like!”
“You never let me choose!”
“You expect me to be perfect!”
“You’re too controlling!”
“I can’t wait to move out of here, then I can live my own life!”
“I hate you!”
If we have progressed to this stage in our relationship and still fail to engage our children in a healthy manner, it has the potential to escalate into true rebellion against our authority.
The sound of promise in all of this is, ‘We do not have to progress this far into relational ruin,’ the greater majority of this can be avoided! Acknowledging and embracing the natural growth pattern of our children and accepting the responsibility we bear in parenting, assists us in co-operating with natural growth patterns and transition our parenting style more effectively and naturally. Transitioning from a telling model of parenting to a coaching model will assist us in capturing and holding our children’s heart as we acknowledge and celebrate the growth journey we and our children are on.
Join us next month as we look at healthy steps for reconnecting with our children who are at this critical transitional stage in life.
Until next time,
Your friend and Pro-Active Parent Coach
Greg Bland
Please feel free to comment, interact with and offer your insights in relation to Am I Pushing my Child Away? Balancing Control and Freedom. Part 2
*Gregory and Lynn Bland currently reside in Nova Scotia, Canada and are actively coaching, writing and developing a course to train parents in Pro-ActiveParentCoaching. Additionally they are providing interim pastoring for the Maritime District of the PAOC. For more information check out Pro-ActiveParentCoaching or write to greg@pro-activeparentcoaching.com.
Copyright 2010 Gregory Bland | Pro-ActiveParentCoaching | Nova Scotia | Canada | greg@pro-activeparentcoaching.com
As those close to us have observed our lives and activity, a curiosity was piqued about our ‘dating’ practices. I have been asked about our ‘dates’ and why we so frequently spend time together in this way. Additionally, do we find this too expensive to do on a regular basis?
These are great questions to which I wanted to give you an adequate answer, which cannot be contained in the status feed of Facebook.
First I’ll outline our ‘practice’ as a family then share what my thoughts are in relation to the ‘why’s’ of our ‘dating’ practices, the expense, and some examples of our dates.
Personally, as a dad, I ‘date’ each of our three children and Lynn (my wife) once / week, additionally, we spend one night a week as a family night, where we are all together as a family. Being a very time conscious and goal driven individual this did not come easy at the start. Each date is a ‘scheduled’ event for me within my day-timer. This was absolutely essential for me personally to maintain consistency and discipline, especially when we began this practice within our family. Also, with the addition of Joshua to our family, the scheduling issue became more complex. Suffice it to say, we have succeeded with the ‘scheduling’ issue and I have moved beyond the feeling of inconvenience to one of rewarding time together.
The overarching why’s of dating my family individually.
Much of this has a view to the future. What values did we embrace that we desired our children to most naturally live out within their lives? What did we want them to be ‘prepared’ for when they move out of our home and into full independence? What is going to best prepare them for life and relationships outside of our home? These are some of the questions we began asking ourselves when we had children and one of the biggest things in my mind was healthy relationship principles!
Why individual dates?
a) As a pastor there can be very strong time demands placed upon our lives. The needs of a congregation and community can be great! I wanted to affirm within my family’s mind that they were a priority to me, not secondary to my ‘ministry’ or ‘job’ as my children would perceive it. I began ‘officially’ dating the children individually on a regular basis, when they were around 4 years old. (Again, wasn’t easy at first)
b) There was a strong desire to establish health within our family relationship early on. This in my mind, would give us a ‘relational reservoir’ from which to draw from as the ‘tougher relational’ times would come as our children matured. I liken it to a relational reservoir that is being filled up as we spend time together in this way. I know full well at some point within our lives together that we, as parents, may have to make an ‘unpopular’ decision. With health already established within our relationship, reservoir full, we will have the ability to draw from this in times of need and relationship does not have to suffer a devastating blow because of it. Yes, we have drawn from this reservoir from time to time already and have recognized that our relationship maintains health through it.
I had a friend wisely say to me when Hannah was dedicated, ‘As your children mature and the need for discipline arises, always discipline from a place of relationship.’ This has stuck with me, and yes, this is also something we have experienced in our parenting. Discipline has been ‘delivered’ from a place of relationship and as a result our relationship has maintained a great deal of health.
c) I desired to show my daughters, in particular, how a young lady should be treated by a young man through offering a practical example of what healthy relationships and dating practices can look like. The ripple effect we have experienced through this is profound.
d) By observing daddy’s interactions with the ladies within our household, it provides, Joshua, with an opportunity to see how he should treat the young women around him. When it comes to marriage he will also have a model and example from which to draw from.
e) Dating, or ‘guys time out’ has given Joshua and myself a unique time to connect. It was interesting, because Josh was always asking, ‘When’s my date? When do I get to go with you? When is it my turn?’ as he observed daddy taking the girls out once / week. Joshua is 6 now and has been enjoying our dates together which has given us a unique time of connection and helped me begin relating to a boy and his way of thinking at an age appropriate level.
Dating Lynn on a regular basis has also had great benefits.
(there is a journey here that I will leave to another time to share)
a) First and foremost is has enabled us to have and maintain a healthy marriage relationship. By ’shutting’ down once / week and just spending alone time together has fostered health within Lynn and my relationship. (There is always so much more to say here)
b) By dating Lynn on a regular basis this has communicated very clearly our love and commitment to one another. Our children know this and talk about it frequently within our home. At times it is actually humourous, as our children will ask with wry smiles and giggles, “What are you two doing on your date this week?” “Where are you going?”
Again looking to the future, what impact is this having upon them as they learn relationship by watching us in our family?
c) Again it provides a wonderful model both to the girls and Josh as to how someone should be treated within a relationship. Our hope of course is that they will make healthy relationship a priority within their value system which will impact every relationship they enjoy throughout life.
Pertaining to Lynn and I, our dates together would incur an expense of some sort by nature of the fact we had to employ a baby sitter once / week. Additionally, as a family we moved outside of the community which added an extra 20 minute drive to simply drop the children off at the sitters. If I can say this with conviction, it was worth every penny and minute of time we spent on this practice. One of the best decisions we made for ourselves and our family was to date one another. The dates themselves were not always ‘expensive’ because we did not always go out to a fancy restaurant, but often went to the lake, on walks, etc.
(As a side note, we were blessed for a season with a young lady who saw Lynn and my commitment to one another, affirmed this and took it upon herself to take care of our children as a gift of investment within our marriage. Thank you!)
Our dates do not always involve money or making large purchases so they do not drain the bank account. The key focal point within our dates is simply time together, which gives great variety to what a date may look like. It has also served to ‘derail’ the notion that you always have to be running around and doing expensive things to have quality time together. The dates we have enjoyed have varied significantly, from checkers down by the lake shore, a long walk in the woods, feeding ducks in the park to the occasional meal together at a restaurant. They key focal point is always time together through which we can strengthen relationship. One of my personal phrases to which the family has now become accustomed is this, “You know what I loved the most about today?” They respond, “Spending time with us!” I quickly affirm, “Yes, you are absolutely right, I love spending time with you!”
Key Practices: (also teaches a great value)
One of our key practices has been to alternate who picks what we do on the date. This has helped them think through what they would really like to do, but also gives them an opportunity to learn ‘giving preference to one another.’ (It’s been good for me as well, because some things they pick wouldn’t be my first choice. ie. number one on the list below) We alternate, they will pick the date one week, I’ll pick the next.
Dates we’ve had.
- walking through the mall and browsing
- feeding the ducks at the park
- beverage or popsicle together
- playing checkers down by the lake
- hiking, walking together
- going to the beach
- sitting in Timmy’s and chatting over a hot chocolate
- building a snowman
- volunteering to help someone out
- motorcycle ride (because you can ride motorcycle and never say a word we always include a beverage or popsicle where we’ll just sit and chat)
- take a drive through the country side
- go to a museum
- fishing
- boating
- on special events I like to treat them to a special day out at a restaurant or something special that they will enjoy
- photographic journey (daughter loves photographing flowers, so our date we went to a garden where they grew hybrid lilies)
- visit to the zoo
(we have found that there are many local attractions wherever we have lived that provide great dating opportunities)
These are just a few, but you get the idea I am sure. There are many potential opportunities for spending time together all around us.
Benefits:
Relationally we have grown much, much closer as a family.
The children and Lynn love these times and look forward to them. As a dad, I can’t even begin to tell you how good that feels inside.
We’ve witnessed healthy relational practices being displayed within our children’s lives and we know it will impact them into the future.
They know that they are loved without question and are a priority to us as parents.
Some of our most profound and impacting conversations have come during these times together.
There has been the rare occasion that I have had to re-schedule a date because of emergency. This has been rare and infrequent, but our children know this is a possibility and are very ‘understanding’ in these instances.
These are simply some of the thoughts off the top of my head this morning in relation to the questions asked. Trust this serves as food for thought, and I always appreciate your thoughts and comments.
Your friend and pro-active parent coach
Greg
‘Pastor Greg, my parents do not trust me with anything! I feel as though they are suffocating me and simply want to ruin my life with all their rules and regulations. They don’t let me make decisions for myself, they choose my friends, set my curfew, decide when and where I can go out, they are too controlling! I honestly cannot wait until I am old enough to move out, then I can begin to live my own life!”
I have heard these and similar statements from more youth than I care to admit. The pain etched on the faces of young people as they have spoken these words has left an indelible mark upon my psyche. Through the duration of my ministry, I have worked with more and more families who struggle with relational issues that pertain to control and freedom within the family unit. Listening as both youth and parents share their hearts has brought me to the following understanding:
“Children and youth are longing for an authentic and open relationship with us as parents/adults, but some of us have inadvertently created an environment that naturally pushes them away.”
Parents by nature are experts, they’ve had the experience, they’ve walked the road, and they’re not really what their children think they are, ‘out of touch with reality.’ As a parent myself, I believe we are more ‘aware’ than our children sometimes give us credit for. Would you agree? Simply by virtue of our life experience; we have lived longer, experienced more, hurt deeper, and grown wiser through the school of hard knocks! Practically speaking, we are experts in our field. Some of you may feel, ‘Expert may be too strong a word, but I do know more than my kids. That’s for sure!’ There is another aspect of our parenting style that plays into this. We desire to see our children make wiser decisions than we did ourselves and do not want to see them endure the same painful experiences we did. It is our responsibility right!? To protect our children from the pain of making wrong decisions, why else would we have experienced it, if it were not for protecting our children from making the same mistakes?
Our desire to protect them from the heartache, pain and consequences which we experienced in life, may subtly drive us toward embracing the vow, ‘I will never let that happen to my children.’
Our hearts say, ‘I love you so much, I don’t want anything to harm you.’ ‘I will do anything within my strength to protect you.’ ‘I will shelter you from the painful experience I had growing up.’ ‘I will go to the wall for you and if that means, strict guidelines, so be it, because one day young man, one day young woman, you’ll wake up and know what I did was right and because I loved you.’
With that we embark on a noble mission, protect our children at all cost! If I can say with a note of pride, ‘We protect them well!’
While this may be our heart motive as parents, when we approach parenting in this way, I am curious how our children perceive it. How is that motive translated within our child’s mind? What is their perception of our parenting? What might this approach be doing inside of them? Do they know the motive of our heart? Do they truly understand why we make the decisions we make? Is it remotely possible that our parenting style is communicating to our children that they are immature, irresponsible and need to be told what to do?
For just a moment, put yourself in the shoes of your child and try to understand their perspective. Or, if it helps, recall your own childhood experience.
While you were maturing and growing in your personhood and independence . . .
How did you perceive your parents unilaterally enforcing rules upon you?
What did you think as your parents made your decisions for you?
How did you feel when your parents told you what to do and how to do it?
Can you recall how you felt and reacted to your parents when this took place?
What was your reaction, and feeling during this time?
What does this tell you today in relation to your own parenting?
Understanding The Mixed Message:
Our children and youth have often received a mixed message. Their natural growth processes are communicating to them that they are maturing, and growing in their independence and ability to make decisions. As a result they naturally strive for and begin expressing a desire for independence and more control of their own lives. This can find itself conflicting with our parenting style which may sometimes inadvertently communicate to them that they are still ‘children, immature and need to be told what to do.’ (I use the word inadvertently, intentionally, because I honestly don’t think many parents knowingly or consciously desire to communicate this to their children.) In light of this I have caught myself wondering:
Do we sometimes misperceive the natural development of our children’s independence as rebellion against our authority?
Maybe! It does seem possible. Further, if I do misperceive their intentions, is my reaction to the ‘perceived rebellion’ un-necessarily frustrating their natural growth pattern, adversely affecting our relationship, and pushing them away from me as they seek their independence? (I am NOT in any way endorsing a permissive parenting style but simply aim to highlight a potential misunderstanding that may be a source of relational conflict between parents and children.)
Our children are on a natural growth process toward independence. You will notice as they mature, their desire for independence increases, as does their ability to make decisions and carry responsibility. As our children mature, so must our parenting style! Continuing to parent by ‘telling your child what to do’ as your child grows in their independence, will leave both you and your child frustrated.
Transitioning from ‘Expert/Protector’ to ‘Parent Coach’ will assist you in maintaining health within your relationship; foster a deeper heart connection with your child; and embrace the natural growth pattern your child is enjoying.
As we journey together we will assess the symptoms that indicate a need to transition in our parenting style and explore the benefits the transition will bring to your relationships. Join us next time as we look at Am I Pushing my Child Away? Balancing Control and Freedom Part 2
Until next time,
Your friend and Pro-Active Parent Coach
Greg Bland
Please feel free to comment, interact with and offer your insights in relation to Am I Pushing my Child Away? Balancing Control and Freedom. Part 1
*Gregory and Lynn Bland currently reside in Nova Scotia, Canada and are actively coaching, writing and developing a course to train parents in Pro-ActiveParentCoaching. Additionally they are providing interim pastoring for the Maritime District of the PAOC. For more information check out Pro-ActiveParentCoaching or write to greg@pro-activeparentcoaching.com.
Copyright 2010 Gregory Bland | Pro-ActiveParentCoaching | Nova Scotia | Canada | greg@pro-activeparentcoaching.com
Feb
The following video is a powerful example of the impact a father can have upon his daughter.
Jan
I came across this and just thought it was too good not to share. Enjoy.